I want to start this out by saying that this blog is an invitation to anyone who needs to be encouraged from one artistic person to another. What I’m going to talk about is something that I struggle with every day when it comes to creating…anything. This was all inspired by a book that I’ve been reading (as always) called Art&Fear by David Bayles and Ted Orland. As I’ve been reading it I’ve been kind of kicking myself in the butt for taking so long to even write this blog. This book talks about an artist’s fears: whether it’s about themselves or others and what keeps them from creating. (Which is why I’m kicking myself in the butt because the book has actually been quite convicting.) So…without further ado this blog is a narrative/confession about what’s been going on in my brain this summer while I’ve been reading this book.

I'm naturally a private person when it comes to social media. You will not see me posting my thoughts and feelings over something on Facebook in paragraph form. You will not see a lot of selfies or pictures of my food on my Instagram and you certainly will NOT know if I'm having problems with a coworker or a boyfriend. If I do share anything it's usually something that made me laugh or something that I thought was very thought provoking.

I could attribute this to my introverted nature and to some degree it actually is because of that. However, those who truly know me or have gotten to meet me in person know that I don't have a problem with telling you exactly what I think (as you may have seen on this website).

Except.. I've got a confession to make. As amazing as this process has been: finding a domain name, using that name for a website, and uploading my own content; I couldn't help but feel my fear of sharing my thoughts and work to the world lurking around in the shadows waiting to dig its claws into me. From the moment I clicked the publish button for my website, wrote my professor who inspired this process, and invited all of Facebook to like my page, I felt like a complete failure. That's right. Feel free to read that sentence over again. I. Felt. Like. A. Failure. Or more accurately I felt like a fake.

Even after all of my hard work and dedication it was like I didn't believe that any of it was good enough. Nothing that I had made seemed "finished enough". I sort of felt this way while I was putting everything together but I shoved that feeling down because I was eager to get started on, what I thought, would be an exciting opportunity.

I clicked "publish" aaannd.....

DING! Welcome to the Floor of Failure! Please pick up your hat that has the word FRAUD written across it in big red letters. It will also come with a complementary bottle of Self Hatred and a box of Issue Tissues!

It reminds me of the first time you actually work up the guts to ride your first roller coaster. You climb into the seat, buckle yourself in, and then it starts climbing up the hill. There's no turning back at this point. You've psyched yourself up and you don't want to look like a chicken in front of your friends. The way up is actually kind of nice. The view is beautiful and you feel the warm sun on your face. It's great really...and then you make it to the top. Slowly tilt over the edge. And then...you fall.

I don't have a fear heights but I certainly don't like the feeling you get when you fall. It's sickening. It sends fear like electricity up my spinal cord and I have no control. I suppose that launching this website is a lot like falling for me. The fall is horrible but what is worse is that I think the landing might get me. Will I crash? Or will I be swooped up in another sickening loop?

It is scary because this website is more than just a portfolio where I can show off my work in hopes someone will notice my talent and offer me a job. Watson Not Holmes is a stepping stone in the direction of my many hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

And of course those dreams and aspirations have drawn me towards "The Arts". Since middle school I've always wanted to be a writer. So I have a blog. I've always loved film and was always eager to select "The Making Of..." whatever movie I'm watching on the DVD menu. So I'm currently writing a script with friends who want to make a short film. I love acting and comedy which is why I'm in the process of producing a radio theater podcast.

Work, work, work, work, work...

So I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping myself busy despite the crippling fear of the possibility of failing. I suppose that I've also been coming to terms of what it means to be an artist and trying not to feel strange at the idea of "being an artist".

And if you're an artist you must create. If I don't create then I certainly will be a fraud, in my opinion. However, I've got so many ideas and projects that I want to do that I worry I will never get anything done-that I will be overwhelmed and I will be so swallowed up that I will simply end up not making anything.

It's like you cannot have art without fear and that fear will always come with the creation of art. It's inevitable really. The difference for me is that I'm finally putting myself out there for the world to see, which isn't exactly my favorite. Because when you expose yourself to others and share a part of who you are there is potential to be rejected.

Yet despite the discomfort I see it as necessary if I want to grow and learn more about my craft. Growing pains are natural and essential in any work that is done by any artist. But I must admit that with such growing pains it is linked with a huge dose of apprehension and fear.

Fear of failure specifically is by far the biggest monster that I deal with. Whenever I venture out to start a new project, apply for a cool job, or launch a website my brain likes to relive all of my past failures. In a lot of ways I have let my past failures define me and control my feelings. It’s hard for me to not try to see failures as just small fires along my way to fuel me to move forward to the better and greater things that are ahead.

My perfectionism likes to link arms with my failures. It can smother me to the point of paralysis in where I will decide that I will not create anything and no one can make me create anything unless I know that what I’m going to create will be perfect. Which, when I think about it, is impossible and ridiculous.

This kind of thinking can send you into a negative downward spiral where you can beat yourself up to the point that if your friends saw you afterward they wouldn’t recognize you. It can drag you down to days on end where you are nothing but a shell of a human being eating cheetos and watching Netflix in a lazy form of procrastination.

Which brings me to courage. I’ve learned that courage isn’t something that you wait for to come along. It’s something that you chase down and grab. Once you have a hold of it you must do your best to hang on even when you feel as though you don’t have a good grip. Starting a project is hard. It’s suppose to be; especially if it’s something that causes growing pains. I hope that the pain of my growth will only intensify my grip on my new found courage to put myself out there. This is also my hope for whoever is reading this.

And please!!! For the sake of your sanity do your best to extend grace to yourself if you’re a fearful perfectionist like me. Make room for mistakes because mistakes are indicators that you’re trying and learning.

Do your best to enjoy the process! Don’t NOT create out of fear for anything. Life should not be spent waiting for things to be done. The only way to find out if you’ll succeed is to begin. And who knows…you may actually find that you enjoy rollercoasters.

Will I Fail or Will I Succeed?: Art&Fear